Why I Choose to Practice Somatic Experiencing Therapy
Living in NYC, the first question that always comes up when meeting new people is, “What do you do?” I answer a therapist, and a follow-up is usually “What’s your specialty?” I answer complex PTSD, followed by my love for somatic work, and start sharing how I believe it can transform one’s life and way of being. Part of that is the excitement and connection I feel for the work. The other part is what drew me to become a trauma somatic practitioner in the first place, which was a windy path that I never expected. I’m Somaly, a queer, first-generation Asian American therapist. In this article, I’ll share my journey of becoming a somatic therapist.
Why somatic trauma therapy?
Living with complex PTSD
Trauma was something I did not identify with as a young person; I thought to myself, this is normal, as a child of immigrants, most parents are this way (emotional neglect, criticism, and becoming a caretaker at a young age). I’m able to go to school, make friends, and generally be seen as “normal” in my day to day. It wasn’t until much later in my romantic relationships that I noticed a lot of attachment wounds that would arise and cause deep pain, which was masked on the surface by numbing (dissociation) and coping tools. I lived my life void of emotions. That’s what happens with dissociation; we numb out the pain, but we don’t get to choose what parts of ourselves get numb; instead, the range of emotional depth that we experience all feels dull.
Confronting the pain scared me, and my body knew how to survive it by moving along with life, going to college, graduating, getting a job, dating, and being perceived as social and “emotionally attuned” to friends, where on the surface there was “nothing wrong.”
I spent years feeling like I did my own therapy wrong
I started going to therapy when I was 18, and that journey continued onwards for the next 10+ years on and off as I moved cities and careers. By starting therapy at a young age, I felt that I was pretty emotionally aware of my emotions, positionality, and underlying motives of what was causing me to feel and behave. However, even with this awareness, I felt like my life wasn’t changing, and even with understanding, my actions and how my body responded in certain situations were not what I wanted; it felt like my body and nervous system existed and operated outside of my control. Therapy helped to a certain extent but not entirely, which led me to feel the shame of my inability to heal from my years of treatment.
Traditional talk therapy focuses on history, stories, reframing thoughts, and behaviors
A lot of the therapy that I underwent in my early adult life focused on talking and how to develop more positive thoughts and adaptive behaviors for my life. More cognitive behavioral therapy can be valuable and helpful for many people in developing more adaptive strategies to confront thought spirals and dissonance. However, for my own healing journey, there were some limitations.
For example, in my years of early therapy, I struggled with anxieties surrounding people-pleasing (due to childhood trauma). My then therapist would ask me to reframe my negative thought of “I’m to blame/I’m not allowed to take up space” to a more balanced (and more rooted in reality) view of “It’s not my fault, and I’m supported.” Cerebrally, I knew that was true. I had supportive relationships and knew I could take up space and set boundaries. Still, my body would feel nervous and activated (trauma response going into fight, flight freeze). I would leave therapy feeling defeated as my body would disagree with my mind no matter how much reframing and self-affirmations I learned.
When I became a therapist…
When I became a therapist, I began to practice how I was taught, which was cognitive and behavioral, focusing on one’s thoughts and feelings and how they impact behavioral patterns because that was all I knew. It wasn’t until a few years into my career that I hit roadblocks with clients, specifically clients living with complex childhood trauma where symptoms were not improving. This led me to join a three-year institute at Somatic Experiencing International to learn somatic therapy because I knew that was a part of my practice and a part of the client that was not being utilized or resourced.
The institute changed my life professionally and personally since I also went through my somatic therapy process to learn and embody the modality.
Somatic therapy addresses the root cause, physical symptoms and triggers of my trauma
Going back to the example of my trauma response of people pleasing due to fear of conflict and taking up space, my somatic therapist did not ask me to simply reframe my thinking. Instead, we sat for 45 minutes with what was happening within my nervous system when I recalled the story of needing to appease my partner, knowing I was putting my own needs last, and relating that to walking on eggshells with my father. Slowing down the process, I noticed my throat clenching and even some dissociation as I lost focus in the session. We spent the session pendulating (focusing on the physical triggers while simultaneously inviting resourcing, orientation, and concentrating on parts of my body that were okay) to create more expansion in my window of capacity/tolerance so I can create more space in my body know that I am safe in the present. Working through my physical symptoms, I could release the stored traumatic response, make more space for more compassion, and break the automatic trigger (repeated maladaptive behavioral patterns) that was being recreated.
It’s such a powerful feeling to be in alignment with my body where I feel embodied in what I’m doing and trust that I am good, supported, and even feeling love for myself! In these sessions, I did not feel I had to reframe my thoughts to think differently; instead, my thoughts became more balanced, and my body and gut believed it too!
This does not mean that the fawn (needing to appease) response to my trauma has disappeared. Instead, when confronted with a challenging situation, instead of acting automatically with what feels the most “safe” and comfortable, I can take cues from my body and self-regulate to make another choice at the moment that better aligns with my values and what I want. For me, this was possible because I released some of the stored energy from my past to create more space and grounding in the present.
It’s such a powerful feeling to be in alignment with my body where I feel embodied in knowing I’m good, loved, and safe!
My passion for unlocking client’s innate healing capacity in their bodies to heal and thrive
Working directly with my stress and triggers in my body allowed me to release and make room for more capacity to experience things like joy, play, connection, creativity flexibility, and compassion. I see the resiliency in my clients every day as they choose to stay with the pain they hold and slowly work with me to resolve the trauma in my nervous system that has been created for years and sometimes even decades. Somatic therapy is not easy; however, when things start to move internally and physically, beliefs and symptoms begin to transform into something more balanced and adaptive, which allows the client to spend less energy on fighting with their system and being more in alignment with what they want and how they want to feel.
You are welcome to learn more about my approach to therapy and contact me for your somatic journey today.
Learn more about my approach to therapy and somatic experiencing.
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