How Avoidance Keeps You Stuck in Fear and Anxiety
At some point in our lives, we all avoid handling conflict, performing an anxiety-provoking task or taking a risk in vulnerability—sometimes avoidance can be what we need at a given time. But what happens when avoidance becomes a habit that impacts work or relationships negatively? In this article, I’ll share strategies to confront avoidance coping and move forward in difficult moments in your life.
What is avoidance coping?
Avoidance coping is a psychological defense where a person either mentally, emotionally or physically avoids something causing distress. We have all used avoidance at some point to reduce anxiety and stress. For some of us, avoidance was the main way we saw our parents handle conflict and the only way we knew how to operate. Some examples of physical avoidance include:
Procrastination of tasks
Avoiding hard conversations involving conflict with others
Keeping busy to distract from uncomfortable feelings
This coping mechanism is effective as it creates instant gratification in avoiding negative stimuli. However, it can have long-term consequences for your mental health.
The more you avoid, the more you teach your system that what you’re avoiding is too much and/or dangerous
One of the negative impacts of avoidance is that it further reinforces the fear stimuli and can further increase feelings of fear or anxiety. Avoidance is cyclical; the more we do it, the more we fear. This is due to our biological makeup—humans have an adaptable nervous system that tunes into every decision you make to make sense of the world. Often, this becomes a subconscious level where we may not fully think about it. For example, having a safe and secure relationship with your partner and knowing that you can trust them is a learned behavior in the relationship dynamic that helps settle your nervous system into safety. However, the opposite can happen if we feel stressed or activated by stimuli. When we avoid, we tell our system that what is in front of us is too big, too fearful and ultimately unsafe or too risky. Thus, we need to teach our system what is actual danger vs. what is a perceived threat and break that cycle.
What causes avoidance coping?
Growing up with parents or caregivers who were disconnected from emotions
Parents with little to no boundaries
Chronic stressful environments
Fear of failure
Fear of vulnerability
Low self-esteem
Depression and/or anxiety
Trauma
The difference between avoidance and boundaries
People often ask where the line is between avoiding and taking it easy or practicing self-care/compassion. So what is the difference between actively avoiding vs. putting off the situation? The answer is intentionality and a passive vs. active response.
Intentionality
The intention behind why we choose not to do something is important. Ask yourself why? If the answer leans toward fear of the stimuli and wanting to postpone it, then maybe that indicates that fear or anxiety is the motivator. You may want to challenge yourself to take actionable steps to address the issue. However, suppose you ask why and the answer leans toward having a long week, feeling burned out, or not having the emotional or physical capacity. In that case, it might be ok to intentionally postpone what needs to be done and return to it later. The important part is actually scheduling time in your calendar to revisit this issue, so you are not further reinforcing avoidance.
Passive vs. an active response
Avoidance is passive, even if you are taking physical steps to avoid the problem. It’s passive because it’s an automatic and often easier option than engaging your senses, emotions and body to be intentional and make a choice that is healthy for you. An active response is one where you engage your mind about what you want to do next and answer the questions stated previously. Being active in your choices allows you to build more awareness of your fear and anxiety and create new behavior patterns to help teach your system that you can overcome the fear stimuli in front of you. This allows you to accomplish your goals and challenge yourself in healthier ways.
How to stop using avoidance as a coping mechanism?
Identify the trigger
What is making you scared, anxious or uncomfortable, prompting you to avoid? Knowing your pattern of avoidance and what motivates you is important. For example, is procrastination due to the feeling of failure or getting critique? Is ignoring your partner a fear of vulnerability or the possibility of rejection? Is not allowing yourself to feel sad or grief the fear that it will make you weak or ruin your day?
Create a plan
Creating a plan for how to tackle tasks can be helpful. For instance, if you tend to procrastinate, setting a time in your calendar to handle the assignment and scheduling 10-15 minute breaks every 30mins to an hour can be helpful. Sometimes we procrastinate on tasks because they appear too big. Breaking them down into bits and taking time can help manage anxiety. Another recommendation is prepping for the task ahead of time to make it easier. For instance, if you struggle with going to the gym or seeing friends, laying out your outfit the morning or night before could be helpful. Playing music or creating something enjoyable to pair the negative stimuli with something more pleasant will create less mental effort when the time comes.
Use emotional coping strategies
Emotional coping is healthier than avoidance coping. It may be hard to establish, but baby steps are important. Examples include journaling, meditation, acknowledging hard feelings, and showing up for yourself compassionately. This can look like taking walks, stretching, or listening to music.
Practice healthy communication
Learning how to communicate healthily is important if you tend to avoid conflict or difficult conversations. Using “I” language, centering on your needs and feelings is a good first step. Avoid “you” statements and focusing on what the other party did wrong.
Hold yourself accountable and/or find an accountability buddy
Accountability will be your best friend as you recreate new behavioral patterns. You don’t need to be perfect, but being intentional is key.
Making small shifts daily and inviting someone you trust to support you can be a great way to stay on track toward beating your avoidance habit.
You are also welcome to learn more about my approach as a psychotherapist, and contact me if you need more support with your journey.
