Relationship Anxiety or Gut Feeling: Is it Intuition or in Your Head?

As a New York City therapist, dating, sex, and romance often come up with clients. Navigating the dating scene in NYC can be challenging, and many factors play a role in the inconsistency and confusion that comes with it. My clients often ask how they can discern between their gut feeling that something is off and whether it's their anxiety. Sometimes, it's difficult to tell, leading to further distrust in self and unclearity. In this article, I'll go over the psychology of gut feeling (or intuition), dating anxiety, and how to overcome it and build more confidence.

What does relationship anxiety look like?

Relationship anxiety is when you feel unsettled, such as not trusting yourself or your motives; it can also be projected onto the person you're dating. Relationship anxiety can include intrusive thoughts, nervousness, and fear and lead to destructive relationship behaviors.

Causes of relationship anxiety 

General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Someone who tends to experience general anxiety may have this spillover to their romantic relationships as well. 

Technology and dating apps

In a major city like NYC, dating apps create a physicological sense that the options are endless, but is it? Many folks also think the same, swiping and constantly trying to find the next best thing. 

With technology, it makes it harder to approach people. Also, text messaging can lead to indirect communication and a lot of interpretation, creating more anxiety about the unclarity of it all.

A person's attachment style. 

Anxious attachment- you start to feel stressed or anxious when your partner is far away from you, whether emotionally or physically. You begin to panic and pursue your partner when the anxiety gets activated to soothe the stress and internal fears of abandonment. 

Avoidant attachment- Those who fall under this category find intimacy uncomfortable. The moment they start to feel close to a loved one, they begin to pull back. Those that are avoidant also can not tolerate difficult conversations and confrontations. Thus, they exit before it becomes intolerable for their nervous system. 

Disorganized attachment- This is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment. If you experience this, you are craving intimacy while simultaneously being terrified and distancing yourself at the same time. A person like this is often hot and cold and can be very present at one moment and disappear in the second. 

All three of these attachment styles want intimacy, but their nervous system gets overloaded, and they pull away or pull too close due to heightened anxiety and/or discomfort.

What is the psychology behind a gut feeling?

The psychology behind what causes your gut to feel anxiety or other sensations is simply in our biology. There is a connection between the brain and the gut; information is carried along your gastrointestinal tract and sends data to your central nervous system, which includes the brain and spinal cord. Every day, your gut is trying to give the brain information. An example is a basic need of hunger, where our stomachs then send information to our brain to eat. The same goes for discomfort or anxiety; the gut tells the brain something is off, and then the brain (with its pre-existing scheme, meaning-making, and script) tries to interpret what's happening. 

Is your gut feeling always right when it comes to relationships?

Your gut feeling is not always right. Your gut connects to your brain and the internal imprint in your nervous system, comprising your lived experience, attachment styles with your caregivers, and prior relational experiences with friends and partners. 

This means that sometimes the gut feeling of "this is wrong or bad" is your brain telling you that you might be under threat because it feels similar to something in your past vs. what is happening in the present.

Should you trust your gut feeling?

However, this is also not black and white; when you feel your gut and the anxiety in relationships, you must pause and get curious about what your gut is telling you internally and ask why. It's important not to react immediately and decide based on your gut but to be with it, allow it to pass, and then reflect on the possible cause of the anxiety or nervousness. Did your partner say or do something that didn't land with you? Is there a need that you're not getting met? Is there uncertainty in your lover's intention and feelings for you? It may be your lack of control while developing feelings for someone new. Get curious about the answers and find ways to self-soothe your nervous system. 

The only time to act is if there's clear abuse in the relationship, then I recommend you talk to a professional and leave the relationship if possible.

How do you soothe the anxiety in your gut?

First, Get curious about the underlying fear behind the sensation- Be with the sensation, learn to tolerate it, and ask yourself, what caused this feeling? Is it rooted in reality, or is this part of your internal landscape and triggers?

Identifying your core fear

Your core fear is a single thought that triggers negative and intrusive thoughts. Your thought patterns exist as a means for protection, so you can subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) make sure your core fear is in checked and does not come true.

Diapharmic breathing

Taking deep belly breaths can push more air into your system and gut! Try connecting with the sensations of anxiety as you notice the air moving in and out, take note of the changes in sensations, if anything, and allow the feeling to move.

Movement

Try walking, dancing, stretching, anything that gets you to move your body.

Take care of your basic needs

Eating, sleeping, and drinking water. When our gut is activated, it's hard to tell what we need at the moment, but it's crucial to prioritize your basic care. 

Need more support?

You don't have to manage your gut anxiety alone! Somatic therapy is helpful for general stress or anxiety, attachment, and childhood wounds that may play out in your adult life. Learn more about the benefits of somatic therapy or contact me, a somatic experiencing therapist, to see how I can support you in your journey forward. 

More Like This