Recognizing Complex PTSD Triggers in Relationships

Have you or someone you love experienced complex trauma and have noticed patterns in relationships where things escalate quickly and all of sudden you or your partner are either shut down, avoidant, or reactive? This can be a sign of complex PTSD. By the end of the article, you will be able to recognize some common signs of CPTSD in romantic relationships and will learn somatic therapy exercises to help you or your loved one cope.

What is Complex Trauma?

Complex Trauma is categorized as having recurring traumatic or life-adverse events that happen for an extended period of time. The events may vary in severity but are consistent and they often begin at a young age. Often complex trauma stems from a childhood that is void of consistent support from a reliable and available adult, which could be related to abuse, neglect, or the general lack of emotional or physical availability for any reason.

Oftentimes, the adult in the child’s life is undergoing their own unprocessed traumatic responses that leave the child feeling alone and having to take care of themselves and sometimes other adults as well. Other examples include being bullied, growing up in war, and repeated sexual abuse or molestation.

As a therapist, I have worked predominantly with BIPOC, Asian Americans, and LGBTQ+ folks that have experienced complex PTSD.  The triggers below are the ones that come up the most in my practice.

Partner taking space

When a partner ignores and/or intentionally takes space, someone with complex trauma may experience that a deep sense of abandonment, not trusting that the partner will return and that repair can happen. This can lead to a guilt or shame spiral and cause further rupture.

Trust

Trust is needed for a relationship but sometimes trusting one’s partner can also be triggering. Trusting can elicit a fear of a loss of control.  It can be hard to let go of power by allowing one’s self to be vulnerable and lean on a partner without experiencing a deep fear that one’s partner might hurt them or suddenly shift their availability without warning. With CPTSD, the nervous system can feel safer when one is avoidant or hypervigilant in distrust to prepare for the worst so something like trust can disrupt that process and cause an unsettling reaction.

Unmet Expectations

One of the ways that one may respond to CPTSD is the need to overcompensate and be as close to perfect, selfless, and giving as possible. This may show up as blurry boundaries or consistently putting one’s partner’s needs before their own. The problem with this is when one holds themselves to high expectations they also expect the same from their partner. This becomes a trigger because if their partner fails to meet their need or is unable to “read their mind” they may feel abandoned as old wounds come up.

Criticism and/or Feedback

Folks with a history of complex trauma may develop strategies to protect themselves while growing up in order to survive. In relationships, that may show up in a form of defensiveness or over-identifying with the criticism or feedback from one’s partner.

For instance, defensiveness may show up as a way to separate oneself from the feedback because it is too painful. In some cases, shutdown may occur. On the flip side, overidentifying with the criticism can cause a spiral into shame and guilt with what has been said, perhaps triggering feelings of inadequacy or not being good enough.

Can complex PTSD be cured?

Living with complex PTSD can be difficult and it’s not your fault that these responses happen. Your body is smart and resilient in developing coping strategies for you to keep going, so resilient that you may carry these coping strategies with you even long after the threat or painful feelings have passed.

As humans our brains have the power of neuroplasticity, meaning that our nervous system can change its activity based on the healthy stimuli we introduce to it. We can change the ways our system responds to a trigger through somatic therapy.

Somatic Therapy Exercises can help teach your system that it is safe to break from the triggered response cycle— to regulate and come back to safety. This can lead to more flexibility, creativity, and more connection not only to our partner but also to ourselves.

You are welcome to learn more about my therapy modalities in treating trauma— Somatic Experiencing and EMDR or contact me to see if I can support you in your healing journey.

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