Feeling Stuck? How Reexamining Your Core Values Can Get You Back on Track
As a New York City therapist, I’ve seen clients feel stuck, unmotivated, or indecisive about where they are currently. We can relate this to relationships, careers, life goals, self-esteem, etc. One thing I often ask besides “what do you want?” is “what are your values?”
Values are essential if you want to live a life of purpose and can be your north star when you’re feeling stuck. In this article, you’ll learn how to identify your values and use them as a motivator and source of clarity to gain more agency.
Why do we feel stuck and/or indecisive?
Feeling stuck in life is a common occurrence that happens to all of us. Sometimes this can be because of:
mental health concerns such as depression or anxiety that prevent us from moving forward
a life event that causes stress and uncertainty
chronic symptoms of trauma or pain that make it hard to live fully.
When life feels unsatisfying or mundane, sometimes zooming out from what’s in front of us to look at our values system is helpful. When you feel anxious about choosing the “right” option, redirecting your energy to future goals and what is important to you (your core values) is the first step in tackling this problem.
Where do values come from?
Some of the earliest values we hold are from our parents or caregivers. These are instilled in us as children and continue into our adult life. Values also come from peers, culture or society. For instance, an Asian American family may value education, career success, and collective thinking while a White American family may value individualism, self-expression, and directness. (These are extremely general examples and do not speak to one cultural/racial group).
As adults, we create our values through lived experiences, mistakes, and our relationship with ourselves and the world around us. So it’s OKAY to keep values you connect with that derive from society, religion, or your family and let go of the ones that don’t serve you.1
When your values don’t align with your actions
Sometimes folks find themselves stuck because they are not living a life that aligns with their true values. This is a common phenomenon when thoughts and behaviors remain unexamined, and one’s value system stays stagnant. In a fast-moving culture, it’s easy to lose track of how we want our day-to-day lives to be.
For example, someone might feel pressured into working an unfulfilling but well-paying job because of familial or societal expectations they grew up with when something creative would be more in line with their values.`qa
When our values contradict each other, knowing which to prioritize is hard. An example of this could be a person who overextends themselves in relationships. Even if they care about their health, their internalized value of selflessness may cause burnout.
Dissatisfaction occurs, and anxiety can manifest when you don’t live according to your values. These recurring cycles create the same patterns in choices and behaviors, which lead to feeling unsatisfied, unmotivated, and ultimately stuck.
How to identify your core values?
Get out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word document and write the things important to you in life, trying to get as specific as possible. If you find this difficult, you can think of the people you admire and list the qualities you like about them.
List out the experiences in your life where you feel excited, joyful, or alive.
Now go through your bullet points and see if there are common themes that you are noticing on paper and divide them into the proper category.
Rank the themes starting from #1 with the most to least important for you. Ranking can be helpful because when it’s time to decide, we might not be able to choose a choice that matches all our values, so having a hierarchy can help clarify what’s most important for us.
Be mindful of whether the things you’ve listed are truly your interests/passion or if it is predetermined for you by parents, society, etc. We want your values to reflect YOU.
How do values affect decision-making?
When you can identify your values, you then have a set of instructions on how to live your life, which can take away some of the mental load of decision-making and external expectations. When you are stuck on whether to transition careers, relationships, or expectations from those around you, turn to your values and ask: what is important to me, and what decision can I make to honor my long-term values? For example, if you value strong community and connection, you may spend less time at work and more time getting involved in your neighborhood or chatting with friends. However, if you value career success, you may focus on career development and high performance. If you want to make time for both, check your ranking system and see what needs to be renegotiated, so you know how much time to give to each.
In conclusion
It’s important to be honest about what truly matters to you and reflect on the “shoulds” of the internalized expectations of your past. You will have a better understanding of your choices while exercising your agency to live a fuller, more satisfying life.
You are also welcome to contact me if you need more support with your journey forward.
